I feel so far from where I've been...

Trying to shake off the long sleep of my hibernating soul,
I feel so alone so isolated so hidden...
I will wake up!
I will wake up!
I will wake up!
I am looking I am trying to peel the hands from my eyes...
What is sorrow? I feel sorrow so much sorrow...confusion.
I want to see,
I want to look
I want to be
Be what?
Who I am?
Who am I?
What is free?
How to be present?
Just be?

I feel like I have cried so much I have no more tears! The reality is I haven't cried at all... that is the depressing part. The well is dry! I just want a way to let all of these feelings out...crying sounds like bliss... as soon as I started I stopped....I am so sad I won't be able to be at the birth of my newest family member this April...As I stood at the sink imagining what it would be like to be there or to not...I felt tears run down my cheeks....followed by the thought ...Oh I should do some amazing thing to raise the money to go so that I can take my family again in the summer time....followed by if I survive this agony and torture til then....I am not dying...I just feel dead and feel so overwhelmed by physical symptoms that I just shut out the tears and shove down the thoughts....ughhh this is nonsensical...blah

Live.....

The Lord expects us to be as faithful, as devoted, as couageous as those who went before us. They were called to GIVE their lives for the gospel. We are called to LIVE our lives for the same purpose. In these last days we have a special reason to do so. Before that sacred night in Bethlehem, the events of history and the words of the prophets of all dispensations prepared the way for the first coming of the Lord and His Atonement. Similary, history and prophecy laid the groundwork for the restoration of the gospel through the Prophet Joseph Smith. Do we have eyes to see that the events and prophecies of our time are preparing us for the Savior's second coming? (from General Conference talk given by Elder Robert D Hales. What does that mean for me? What changes do I need to make to my life in order to live the way he wants me to? and to help fulfill his purposes?

Heavenly Father is aware of my needs

I spent most of last night worrying about Jude and his situation at school...his teacher seems to be old school and very unexcited by the fact that he does not speak Arabic. Uggh. I have felt a tossing and turning and a churning in pit of my stomach ever since I talked to her yesterday. I woke up sort of half way this morning and was still somewhat dreaming...I heard in my mind and saw written in the same font as it is in the scriptures the word Nephi, followed by a number that I can't remember or couldn't see...it faded out towards the end of the reference...I remember hearing someone say something about Nephi will help,..kind of like they were narrating my dream...anyway so when I first woke up I thought it was about Nephi our nephew...but then I realized I should go to the scriptures which I did...Since I've been trying to make it so we have family scripture study and failing for days, I thought maybe it was just my subconscious reminding me to wake up in time to read them today.. we did have a successful scripture study this morning and it made all the difference in our morning, so..I dismissed it...it has been hours since then and I have been worrying about Jude again....the primary song that says...I will go I will do the things the lord commands just came to my mind....It is based on a scripture in Nephi...3:7 it reads....... And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I awill go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no bcommandments unto the children of men, save he shall cprepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them. I know this is an answer to my prayer....I know that we are supposed to be here and that Heavenly Father will help us to be able to accomplish this hard task...that he will provide a way for Jude to be safe and comfortable...that things will work out and that our children will learn the language and that Heavenly Father is preparing the way for them to help him in teaching and loving and living with the saints here in this land....that does not mean that we are not responsible and that we can just lay back and do nothing. We need to use our agency and make choices and do things to help our kids be in the right places at the right times doing the right things. However, I am comforted and find hope in the promise that he will prepare a way for us to accomplish the tasks he has commanded us to undertake, and that things will be ok. I am grateful to have had this cool experience today and wanted to share it with you. Love, Emily

What is it that drives us away....fear? Is there something to BE afraid of?

I woke up this morning in the middle of dream....I lifted up my head like it was a five zillion pound anvil...and thought...aaaah it is still dark! After realizing the reason I could barely move was due to the fact I was in Jude's twin bed and that he was no where to be found. I forced myself up to investigate just what exactly went down after both of the responsible parents passed out. As I covered up Zuzu sleeping in the same room, I heard the shot of a gun...or a firework...never can tell around these parts and completely assumed there were folks out there celebrating into the night... As I passed by the bathroom and saw that it was bright and sunny I realized it was actually day time.... freaky what tricks the darkness can play on you....We have these electric shutters on our windows now and they completely black out the rooms they are in.... anyway I stumbled to find my phone which of course the kids were up on all night unsupervised (hello parents of the year) and then on finding it realized Tony was ten minutes late already.....anyway after that fleeting fiasco with missing work and dropping him off with pillow marks on his face lol....hes insane with the not sleeping.... No wonder there is so much tension in this place, no one ever sleeps!!! Anyway after dropping him off and on my two minutes alone drive home I was just thinking (we got a phone call from someone we loved at 2 am which of course none of us saw due to the kids having the phones lol) about someone we both love who is doing craziness with their life....I was wondering about why it is and what the dynamics are that change our feelings for someone that we love so much and risk so much with normally.... I saw a black cat as I was pulling into our parking space (dooonoonoonoo) and got a little more worked up... then I came in my apartment and realized the salon (fancy name for formal living room) window had been opened all night.... now there are bars on these windows, every fourish inches....but still I had thoughts of this person somehow doing something to hurt me and my kids just because the window was opened.... How did it go from feelings of love to feelings of fear? Is it just the evil associated with their bad choices? Could it be the spirits that attend those actions also are present and affecting my feelings for the person making the choices? And more importantly... How do I make those bad feelings go away? How do I trust the person again? How do I not work myself up into thinking they are just purely evil? I guess praying for them would be the first reasonable step....and praying for my feelings to change... I just want to understand why it is like it is....I wonder if it is a normal psychological reaction to hurt....maybe a way to protect myself? I don't like how it feels.... I don't like how sin changes people so much .... but I see it .....No I feel it so strongly! It truly does change a person... I think I have a better understanding of what it means to have HIS image in your countenance.... or maybe at least I see the opposite of it...Anyway enough ramblings on this subject for today....I think I need four different blogs to keep up with all the different me's that I am ....lol...(had to get in one totally lunatic comment in this posting)

let the ramblings begin

Today I decided to start blogging, as this seems like the only way to decompress and let out all these crazy thoughts I have. As I looked through the various blogs that I've started and left behind ...not able to figure out how to use it or not willing. I felt the title of this blog was a fitting one for the thoughts I want to get down. So, that said I am going to start writing when I want to explore the ravings going through my head.... which reminds me... there is this girl named Ravyn who is here in Ramallah, she is married to a palestinian and I really like her name! She is inspirational in a few other ways too. She seems like the kind of mom I was when I only had two kids. She is a yoga instructor, tries to eat organic or raw and although we have only met once, I'm sure we would get along splendidly. Now how was that for nonsensical raving? LOL So, I watched Evita last night and sat there watching it and singing my heart out, poor Cola had invited his friends over (yes I said friends wahoo! After a year with no one, he is now a very popular kid) to watch the Barcelona game... I'm sure they wondered who was strangling madonna in my bedroom lol. Anyway it made me miss my sisters so much! I remembered driving by target in orem in my pink geo tracker... belting out Evita...oblivious (at least consciously) to my sweet sisters mourning the loss of my innocence and youth in the backseat! I love you guys and hate the distance! Not sure why everytime I try to write something I end up writing it to my sisters ... I guess just because they know... they get me .....they understand what I am saying and probably more accurately I am writing to a part of myself, which I refer to as "them". If anyone ever reads this I'm sure they will feel the need to send me to the state hospital lol.